I absolutely would not have made it through yesterday without Matt, Ashlee and my mom. This time in my life has been undescribable. Through these special people yesterday, God reached me and spoke the words I needed to hear in order to hang on. I have a plan in place to take better care of myself, steps that will help me get passed this slump and onto better things. So I keep praying, putting one foot in front of the other and trying my best to survive.
One of the only times I experience stillness is when I’m writing and/or reading. It’s when I can really let things go and let my mind set about on a lazy, dreamy float. The shaking of my foot stops, that inner nagging voice quiets, my thoughts slow down, my breathing returns to normal and I actually feel still. I wish I could bottle this stillness and spray it on me each morning before walking out the door. I wish I could catch it and carry it in my pocket as a good luck charm. I wish things were as easy as they seem. I wish strength and serenity would engulf me and set me at ease onto the rest of this journey. I wish I was floating in the ocean right at this moment. Just me in the water with the oceans’ sounds of life vibrating in my ear as I stare up at the sky in-tune with my creator knowing and trusting all will be ok. I guess that’s the most supreme form of stillness I’ve experience. It’s my so-called happy place. To be there right now…my soul is yearning.
I literally feel numb right now. Like I cannot move from my seat. I’m starring at the computer, mindlessly clicking through sites and no thoughts are going through my head. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m simply just clicking. I’m having the most difficult time getting out of my chair and going to sit outside in the sun. Ms. Child Sunflower here can’t even bring herself to go seek tranquility from the suns’ rays. Ugh. Each morning I wake determined. Determined to get through the day with a smile on my face, eat healthy, work out and to enjoy the simple moments and joys. By 9am, it’s usually down hill from those optimistic goals. Last week and the last few days have been like this. I hate being in this foggy state. It is like someone or something has taken over my body and I sit idlly by unable to say a word, unable to move a limb. I have zero control and give it all over to the darkness and the coldness. My cheering section falls to a mum and their faces slowly turn to frowns. I’m letting them down again. They keep screaming for me to come back, but their voices are getting faint. My heart wants to, but my body and mind can’t. I lose functionality, reason and logic. The only thing I can do is wait until the clock dismisses me and then crawl back into bed hoping a night’s sleep will warm this coldness from my body and let me wake uncativated by its grip. Then Kim can come out…to play, to dance, to hope. This is what I wait for as this ugliness continues to creep into every cell of my body locking me in its trance until it thinks I’ve earned my freedom. Freedom to breathe, to move on, to experience life. Freedom to live. Freedom to find peace and happiness. Until then, I wait, hoping tomorrow comes and my cheering section is still there.
A great friend, mohawkmatt, reached out to me today and sent me this: “Love is kind, longsuffering, holds no record of wrongs. We ALL make mistakes. You’re an amazing person and your world can be so much more. There’s only one world and we all exist in it.” There’s more, but I respect people’s privacy. Thank you, Matt, for always reaching out with your gift of words.
It’s amazing how much I let people get the better of me. I let them into my head and let all their ignorance wreak havoc with my vulnerability. I continue to let them beat me down even when I’m surrounded by such wonderful people. Why does negativity always eclipse the positive? Why do we give so much mental space to such ugly clutter? I swear some people will never grow up and will be a child/teenager forever. There will always be people who are so miserable with themselves and their lives that they have to make other people miserable in order to experience some sort of half-lived joy. It’s really quite sad.
On a lighter note, one of my favorite bloggers is now following my measly little blog! Kelsey of snappycasual.tumblr.com and wordsofwilliams.com made this a bright day in the blogsphere by recognizing little ol’ She Writes Undone. I’m the little blog that could.
Happy Monday! I celebrated it with a lot of cake. Dang graduation party leftovers…
I just read the best thing I could read on a Monday morning:
7. Cake for breakfast: Eating cake first thing in the morning may sound like the worst diet advice ever (or the best!), but Israeli researchers found that “obese participants who ate a breakfast high in protein and carbohydrates that included a dessert were better able to stick to their diet and keep the pounds off longer than participants who ate a low-carb, low-calorie breakfast that did not include sweets.” The scientists hypothesize that allowing yourself a treat in the a.m. helps curb your cravings for sweets later in the day.
This is an article my friend Ashlee sent me and it made me feel so good after just downing a piece of cake for breakfast :)
http://shine.yahoo.com/vitality/quirky-weight-loss-strategies-really-200700296.html
I’ve learned that I’m made to be part of a relationship. I realize everyone may say that and most people yearn for that. But being a part of a realationship is what I’m good at. I thrive on building a home, nurturing a relationship, taking care of a family…even if that family consists of only a dog instead of children. All you naysayers can say nay, but the truth is, you don’t know me nor fully understand the events that have happened in my life. Truth be told, you don’t need to and I don’t need your approval, negativity or judgment. I’m wired for this stuff. It is what I’m good at. I’m not good at being single, living by myself, not knowing what the future holds, not having anything to take care of…I’m terrible at it. It doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know how not to be taking care of a relationship and planning for our entire future. It is not that I can’t handle living on my own. Trust me, I’ve been on my own plenty these past 10 years, even in a relationship. It’s just I like nurturing and being nurtured with another person and building a life together. When one person stops building, I am utterly at a loss. When you give, give and give and nothing comes back anymore, it messes with your entire understanding and purpose. Anyways, enough on that. I’ve been so unsettled lately and though the reasons may be obvious, I realized this actually has a lot to do with it.
I’m over this whole weight thing. When I’m hungry, I’m going to eat. When I’m hungry for something in particular, I’m going to eat it. I’m going to work out when I can and simply because I want to. I thoroughly enjoy working out, rather it’s soccer, tennis, running, crossfit or a leisurely walk with my dog. I’m going to enjoy it and not worry about the calories burned nor use it as punishment for eating ice cream. I’m going to use it for the tension release and the joy it brings me. There. I’m over it and finished with it. Period. End of story. I’ve got curves and they’re delighful.
Me: “…the odds are even greater and not in favor of…”
Friend: “You know what I say about odds? I make my own.”
I write. Various things. This site serves as a collection of what I write. "Let it be..."
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